Destiny

A little while ago, Isaac asked me, “Mom, what is destiny?”  Isaac has a habit of asking questions I can’t answer.  I tried to explain it to him, I even looked it up.  I ended up telling him that it’s something that’s going to happen, no matter what you do.  To which he replied “Like I’m going to have to go to school tomorrow?”  When I said that wasn’t quite it, he said he didn’t get it.  I told him that it was pretty hard to explain to a six year old, and that he would get it when he’s older.  Surprisingly, that seemed to satisfy him.

Some people, for example, my mother, believe strongly that everything that happens is pre-destined.  I have a hard time with that philosophy, because it means that essentially we have no free will.  Our choices are meaningless.  I don’t know that I can believe that.  I do believe that certain things happen for a reason though.  Big things.  I believe that significant people in our lives come into our lives for a reason.  There’s something we need to learn from them.  I believe the universe will give you the opportunity to learn a lesson over and over again if you fail to learn it the first time.

Maybe I need to believe that to get by.  To understand why my friend’s daughter would get leukemia, or why another friend would lose her husband in such a random way, or why my marriage had to end.  It’s hard to believe, or accept, that there’s no meaning to such things.

The other day at dinner, my kids asked me when was the happiest day of my life.  I said I had two — the days they were born.  That one was easy.  And then they asked me what the saddest day was.  I told them the day that their dad and I decided not to be married anymore.  It’s the first thing that came into my mind, which I think means it’s probably true.  I still think that sometimes I haven’t mourned that loss enough.  It’s devastating, to lose something you thought would be forever.  To know that your children will not have the life you wanted for them.  It’s so profoundly sad that sometimes love really just isn’t enough.